When I decide to run for president, I’m running on one campaign platform and only one, mainly because it’s all I will need to destroy my opponent in a Reagan/Mondale-type fashion. My platform? Every five years, Hollywood will produce a new Police Academy movie featuring the top comedic stars of the time.
Look, I realize that many movie fans are tired of Hollywood churning out nothing but sequels, prequels, threequels, Nyquils, comic-book movies, superhero movies and movies starring Nicolas Cage, but I don’t think there’s really any sense of reverence attached to the Police Academy movies, which have best been described as “doofus citizens attempt to be cops.” While these are the Citizen Kane of “doofus citizens attempt to be cops” movies, the fact remains they still aren’t, in fact, Citizen Kane.
The general premise of each movie is pretty simple. The summary from imdb.com will serve as the general outline: “A group of good-hearted but incompetent misfits enter the police academy, but the instructors there are not going to put up with their pranks.” Rinse and repeat every five years. Light cigars with $1,000 bills and swim in Scrooge McDuck’s vault of gold coins.
Comedic trends tend to shift every 5-10 years, meaning a new batch of comedians can bring a fresh style of laughs to the franchise. The bawdy ‘80s would give way to the infantile ‘90s before the gross-out ‘00s led to the awkward ‘10s.
Think of the previous possibilities:
1995: Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, David Spade, Chris Rock. (The primary female role would be played by Sandler and Farley in drag). Directed by The Farrelly Bros.
2000: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Anna Farris. Directed by Keenen Ivory Wayans
2005: Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, David Koechner, Christina Applegate (and yes, this is just the cast of Anchorman, but tell me you wouldn’t go see Police Academy 2005 starring Ron Burgundy and Company). Directed by Adam McKay
2010: Members of the Judd Apatow mafia, like Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd (in fact, from this point on, I’m making Paul Rudd the continuity between all the films; he’s the new Guttenberg), Jason Segel, Jonah Hill, Martin Starr, Leslie Mann. Directed by Judd Apatow (duh).
I’m guessing the 2015 version will feature Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy as the leads.
There’s even a built-in market for the direct-to-DVD knockoffs, including Larry the Cable Guy, Ron White and Jeff Foxworthy in Sheriff’s Office Academy.
As I said, I think we can all get behind this idea, so please consider Kevin Hall in 2012 (and beyond) as you make your presidential selection. (Cue Michael Winslow to make sounds of cheering followed by “Hail to the Chief.” Exit stage).