Analyze this: A promise can be a pain in the ass

A friend has found herself in a bit of a conundrum.

You see, a little more than a year ago, she started dating this guy, and as often is the case in new romances, she found herself fancying this fellow, wanting to do whatever it takes to make him happy.

Foolish girl.

She told her boyfriend that if they stayed together a year, they could forego the traditional route of celebrating their first anniversary with paper. Instead, she agreed to treat him to a night of anal passion. (I’m curious as to if their 50 th anniversary, traditionally the “golden” anniversary” will be complete with a night of urinating on each other).

At first, the girl thought it was an unlikely achievement, being doubtful a relationship would last a year. However, for many guys, the mere possibility of ass sex will cause them to be on their best behavior for an indefinite period of time.

(Personal note: Although I’ve never experimented with butt play and cannot speak from experience, I must say the thought of it is not the least bit appealing. To each their own, I guess).

Fast forward 12 months and change – the couple is still together, yet her anal promise so far rings hollow. The girl is now backing down from her agreement, which is posing problems in the relationship, primarily because the boyfriend keeps bringing it up, pretty much just demanding that they follow through with it.

Compounding the problem is that the boy, in his 20s, was a virgin when they met, something my friend couldn’t claim. Well, vaginally speaking, of course – she has never had anal sex, which was part of the reason she promised him the ass.

And now the guy is holding on to that promise, saying it would be “something special” between the two of them. She says their regular sex is special, but she just clearly doesn’t understand the thinking of the human male. Most guys, if not all, want to be the first at something with their girlfriend. Vagina virginity gone? They’ll take the ass. Ass cherry gone? Look out, armpit.

Why is this? It’s all part of a historical perspective. Men want to be remembered. We all recall that Neil Armstrong was the first to walk on the moon. Who was the second? Who cares? (For the record, it was Buzz Aldrin).

So what can she do to get out of this?

She’s tried explaining that she’s quite certain it will hurt. (An aside: A comedian once said he’s afraid of having anal sex with his girlfriend because he’s afraid he’ll hurt her. And he’s even more afraid that he won’t. You just don’t want a girl saying, “Mmm, that’s comfortable.”). The boyfriend won’t listen, though. It’s been suggested that she just tell him to punch her in the face, since that, too, will hurt, but without the indignity of using her ass as an entry point.

So far, though, he won’t budge, and if you have any suggestions on how to get out of this, please send them my way, and I’ll pass them on to her.

As it now stands, it looks like she’s might just have to bend over and, literally, take it like a man.

That’s unfortunate for her, but the ultimate moral of the story, boys and girls, is this: Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.


4 thoughts on “Analyze this: A promise can be a pain in the ass

  1. Between this post and the endless stream of “not really innuendo since it’s just blatant” anal romance of the R. Kelly lyrics, I have to say that you may have the assiest blog in ass-town.

    May I suggest going for the trifecta? Post a Luke video, ANY Luke video.

  2. My rule about anal sex is: Sure, you can have anal sex with me, but i get to do you first with something of equal size. Most men stop dead in their tracks.

    Since he was a penile virgin at the beginning of the relationship, is it safe to assume he’s also an anal virgin? Quid pro quo, Clarice. If he’s all about it being ‘something special to remember’, she should turn tables on him and make it something extra special to remember.

    if he accepts, and she’s not into that, then she’s got every right to break up with him. Or, if she is into that, she’s found herself a God-sent bedmate.

  3. I have to say, this is one of the more thoughtful blog entries I’ve read. The pun at the end,though obvious in retrospect, it was nonetheless quite brilliantly employed. I commend you for your word play, as I also commend you for your insights into the world of butt fuckin’.

  4. Anal-eaze and a vibrator-for both. She gets it, so does he. Mutual cherry bust and the deed is done.

    And a man who remembered something for a full year? Will wonders never cease???

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