Made in California: The Final Price is Right

Bob Barker’s final show as host of “The Price is Right” airs Friday on CBS. Footage from the historic finale has not been made available, but my super investigating skills (that journalism experience has finally paid off) helped me land the following transcript of the show’s final moments:

Scene One:

INT. TELEVISION CITY, BEVERLY BOULEVARD. DAY.

BOB BARKER, an aging, rail-thin man with perfect white hair, a slightly disturbing tan and leering grin, walks on stage wearing a dapper gray suit and holding a skinny microphone. He is standing next to two people, a MAN and a WOMAN, who are behind podiums decorated with bright lights and space for dollar figures to be revealed on a screen. Both are contestants on the Showcase Showdown, but instead of being overcome with excitement over the prospects of winning a brand new car, a trip to Italy, a Broyhill sofa, 100 boxes of cat litter, a lifetime supply of Campbell’s Chunky Soup (the soup that eats like a meal), they appear spooked.

Bob: So, how much do you want to bid?

Neither contestant responds. Bob smiles and makes his way closer. Finally, the man looks up at the host.

Man: Well, it’s just that (pause), well, it’s just that cat over there.

CLOSE-UP of a cat standing next to 100 Boxes of Cat Litter.

Man: It really just creeps me out. It’s like a snake with fur.

Bob: I like it. He just started hanging around the set.

Man: Yeah, well, he’s just sit there the whole show, staring up at that picture.

TIGHT SHOT of the cat looking at framed picture of the late Rod Roddy.

Scene Two

INT. RETIREMENT HOME. DAY.

An old man sits in a corner, huddled beneath a TV screen, oblivious to the world around him. A door opens. Bob Barker steps inside the room. He walks over to the old man and wheels him around. The man is Wink Martindale. He looks at Bob, puzzled.

Bob: You don’t remember me, do ya?

Wink sits there. Bob leans down, gets in his face.

Bob: This thing of ours (pause) you and Chuck Woolery used to run it.

Wink looks Bob in the eye.

Wink: We did?

Bob: Yeah.

Wink pauses and looks off in the distance. He returns his gaze to Bob.

Wink: That’s nice.

Wink Martindale looks off, his brain retreating into its own personal Tic Tac Dough game. Bob leaves.

Scene Three

INT. TELEVISION CITY, BEVERLY BOULEVARD. DAY.

In the background, the female contestant is jumping up and down, her bountiful bosom edging perilously close to spilling out of her ill-fitting (but crowd- and host-pleasing) tube top. The male contestant sulks, ominously eyeing both Bob Barker and the cat.

Yodeling music begins from that great game in which the mountain man advances up the hill while contestants try to guess prizes

Bob saunters to center stage, microphone in hand, smile in place. The crowd is giving him a standing ovation. He soaks in the applause and attention.

Two black men from the audience rise from their seats and come on down to the stage.

Bob slightly bows to the crowd.

EXT. PARKING LOT. DAY.
Bob Barker’s limo driver attempts to parallel park the stretch limo, but isn’t having any luck. He keeps trying, each time growing more unsuccessful in his attempts.

INT. STAGE. DAY.
Bob laughs and claps and waves to the crowd.

Adam Sandler appears on the edge of the stage. He looks at Bob, then turns away.

Janice Pennington, Dian Parkinson and Holly Hallstrom join the stage, wearing skimpy outfits and looking ridiculously bosomy. They nod to someone off the stage. Other former Barker’s Beauties sashay onto the stage.

Bob fights the urge to sexually harass them, thinking instead of putting and Plinko.

The crowd goes wild and the yodeling music reaches a fever pitch. Bob lifts his microphone.

Bob: This is Bob Barker, remind you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed –

Abrupt cut of sound and visuals. The screen goes black. Ten seconds pass.

Roll credits.

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4 thoughts on “Made in California: The Final Price is Right

  1. My babysitter and I watched him every day when I was a child. At the age of four, I could tell you to the dime, the price of Fixodent and better yet–all thanks to the wheel–had better math skills than the cashier at Maloney’s. My favorite part wasn’t the bidding wars, or showcase showdown, or even the guests kissing Bob, but the simple words…come…on…down.

    I was in LA once and went to a taping of Bill Maher’s “Politically Incorrect.” Little did I know, it’s shot in the same studio as “The Price is Right.” It was the funniest thing to see all these bubbly old women darting around in wheelchairs with huge price tag stickers on their shirts.

  2. That’s pretty funny. I haven’t seen the last episode of The Sopranos but i got the reference. I used to watch the PIR every day when I was little and every day religiosly during the summer. In an odd way, i’m kinda sad about Bob Barker leaving.

  3. I believe Bob was whacked right as the screen goes black, and I believe Diane Parkinson did it. If you watch the credits, Adam Sandler is credited as Adam Pennington, which is Diane’s nephew. We all know that Bob had a hit out on Diane that was botched when that Russian guy interfered, then escaped into the woods.

  4. At Kevin’s request, I’m publishing an email that I sent him this morning. It’s unedited, and undoubtedly filled with grammatical errors and lack of punctuation. Please forgive me, my email skills are lacking:

    i watched the final episode over the weekend. honestly, it brought me so much
    joy. it may seem ridiculous, but there’s something special about the price is
    right. it’s that glitzy, kitschy thing that sums up childhood. it’s so goofy,
    but the people involved alternate between deadly seriousness and incredible
    joy. you get the feeling that bob genuinely wants to give you that prize, and
    if he had it his way, you’d win just for stepping on the stage.

    it’s everything that’s wrong with america, while simultaneously being
    everything that’s right with america.

    bob is a class act, for sure. going out like he did, no fanfare, just a thank
    you and a reminder to spay or neuter your pets. and the woman that won the
    last barker-era showcase showdown walked away with a cadillac, a corvette, a
    cruise of the greek islands and a bbq grill. hell, it’s worth watching just to
    see that.

    i guess that i found myself so captivated by the final episode because i
    didn’t realize how much i loved that show. i found myself going through the
    guide and programming the tivo to get a few of the upcoming episodes. i doubt
    that it’ll be the same without bob, but as long as i have the mountain climber,
    i’ll be okay.

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