Tonight, on a very special So … there I was

Recently, various music writers have been writing about how unattractive people no longer stand a chance in a business dominated by good-looking singers like Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera.

With the rise of music videos, they say (neglecting to point out that a) videos have been around now for 25-plus years; and b) I’m not even sure any place shows videos these days), ugly musicians have been pushed to the background because, really, who wants to look at ugly for three quickly edited minutes? We get enough ugly in our everyday lives: Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

Despite the old-age crankiness exhibited by these rock writers, they make a decent point. When’s the last time you saw a truly popular musician who was troubling to look at? Sure, some have unusual looks, but we’re referring to a level of hideousness that makes grown men hide while letting women and children fend for themselves.

Perhaps no band better demonstrates this type of ugly than the British group, Supergrass, which Cory pointed out in a Gmail chat one day.

Cory: Seriously, is there any band in history less attractive than Supergrass?
Kevin: Not even close. In fact, a supergroup comprised of four Mick Mars clones still couldn’t top them.
Cory: Very true, however, any band that features Mick Mars is surely in contention.

This is Mick Mars.

And this is, shudder, Supergrass.

Clearly, Supergrass belongs on the Mount Rushmore of unattractive musicians. That’s one giant, ugly Mount Rushmore.

As most of our conversations tend to do, the dialogue spiraled wildly out of control. What followed was an honor roll of slightly-less-than-handsome guys and gals who, despite their talent, are best enjoyed through your speakers and not your television. I now present to you, The Cory-Graham.com/So There I Was… Top Ten Most Uninviting Mugs in Rock & Roll.

For the rest of this ridiculously hideous lineup, see cory-graham.com.

No. 9 Jarvis Cocker
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The former front man for the British group Pulp has never been called attractive. To do so would be, ahem, Pulp fiction.

As Cory said, “It’s not so much that he’s ugly, just that he’s rather unpleasant to look at. He seems to have adopted the ‘I’m losing my hair, so the hell with it – I’ll just let what’s left of it be greasy’ look.”

This really just kind of looks like Elvis Costello, which isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement, but still it could be worse. He could look like this.

Also, I want to point out that Jarvis’ glass are ridiculous. He looks like he’s auditioning for the lead in the Harry Caray story.

Cory suggested that he had been cast in the lead in the final installment of the Harry Potter series: Harry Potter and the Retirement Community of Consternation.

It really is a good thing he makes brilliant music, but that’s probably because he’s not bothered with things like groupies.

Cory: Although I’ve never heard of him being paired with anyone, I’m fairly sure that he’s had sex before. I’d imagine that he lost his innocence shortly after the release of “His and Hers.”

No. 8 Mani
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My first comment is, “Who the hell is Mani?”

Cory: Not only is he one of the homeliest men in rock history, but he holds the distinction of playing bass for both The Stone Roses and Primal Scream, two of the ugliest bands in rock history.
Kevin: Was he not able to join up with Supergrass for at least a guest stint? If you can find proof that he has ever been in the same room with them at the same time, the world would fold in on its self.

(It’s worth noting that Cory and I both went for this exact joke at the same time, even repeating much of the wording. I finished it first, though, so I get to accept credit. I don’t, however, chalk this up to our joke-writing prowess as much as it is a testament to Mani’s ugliness.)

Kevin: Let me guess … Mani is British?
Cory: Yep. The one nation where good-looking rock stars are not only unnecessary but apparently discouraged.
Kevin: After Paul McCartney, it all went downhill.
Cory: I’m not sure what his real name is. I think his full name is “Mani Sugly.”
Kevin: How about “Mani’s Heugly”?
Cory: I think he’s distantly related to D.L. Hughely. And he almost looks like a less attractive Gerard Depardeiu, which is quite an accomplishment.

No. 5 Patti Smith
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Cory: There is absolutely no reason for Patti Smith to be posed nude, not even for an X-ray.
Kevin: Yeah, that guy should definitely have kept his clothes on.
Kevin: Wait a minute …
Kevin: What?!?
Kevin: OK, so that’s totally a dude.
Cory: Yeah, his man boobs are showing.
Cory: Someone cue Sally Struthers. “For only pennies a day, you can sponsor a New York City poet. Less than the price of a cup of coffee.”
Kevin: Does that include clothes?
Cory: I certainly hope so.
Kevin: Really, though, why isn’t there a big uproar that she’s too skinny? If this was Lindsay Lohan or someone from today, people would be all over them over their anorexia.
Cory: Well, unlike Lindsay Lohan and the such, I doubt Patti could actually afford to eat.
Kevin: True. After all, she’s apparently can’t afford any clothes or furniture. Have you seen her lately?
Cory: Yeah, she looks essentially the same, just older. You’d think by now someone would have given her a sandwich. I think her artist rider simply reads “FOOD!”
Kevin: Her nudity makes John and Yoko’s nudity look like Playmate of the Month material.
Cory: I’m just glad it’s in black and white, which is typically more flattering. Imagine what we’re not seeing.
Kevin: Thank god for tasteful nudity.
Cory: And she looks caught off guard by the photo, kinda like Gollum, which we will eventually learn wasn’t CGI at all. It was actually just Patti’s best work to date.

No. 3 2 Live Crew
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At the time, the Miami-based rappers’ sexually explicit (and sophomoric) lyrics were considered the most controversial group around. Now, we see they were just the ugliest. I think the reason they rapped so much about sex is because they had never had it and were unsure of what the whole deal was about.

Cory: How is it possible that there could be a group of any kind in which Luther Campbell (far left in the above photo) is the “handsome one”? Only in that era of hip-hop could that collection of guys claim to have slept with that many women and actually get away with it. It makes you wonder if their records aren’t secretly brilliant pieces of self-satire.
Kevin: Luke is totally rocking out a pair of khakis. Not exactly “hardcore.”
Cory: Well, he is the classy one.
Kevin: Face down, class up … Wasn’t that the line?
Cory: I think it was “Face down, class up, let me pull my Dockers up.”
Kevin: We’ve gone far too long without addressing that Vulcan handshake thingy the other two guys are doing.
Cory: No doubt… that handshake would have even been to complicated for Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince to pull off.
Kevin: Kid and/or Play couldn’t solve that one. And what the eff is Fresh Kid Ice (second from left) looking at? The photographer must have been like, “No, Fresh Kid. Over here. Over here. Please look over here.”
Cory: You’d think the photographer would have had the foresight to have brought something shiny and/or squeaky.
Kevin: And FKI appears to be in some sort of dark denim Wranglers. Was the FFA jacket not available to complete the look?
Cory: Back to pants, the second guy from the right’s pants are just slightly less obscene than one of their records.
Kevin: I’m still baffled at Fresh Kid’s look.
Cory: Acttually, “baffled” may best describe Fresh Kid’s look.
Kevin: They truly are the least threatening rappers ever. Kriss Kross could kick their asses.
Cory: Yeah, they never made the move into “gangsta” territory, for obvious reasons. I think they had West Side Story-style gang fights with the Golden Girls on the mean streets of Miami.

No. 2 Thom Yorke
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Thom Yorke is a seriously talented musician.

He is also seriously messed-up in the face.

Granted, he has a lazy eye that he can’t really help, but he could have done something about his apparent lazy dental habits.

Cory: He’s truly an inspiration to kids everywhere that refuse to brush their teeth or comb their hair. Is dental work just completely out of the question in the UK?
Kevin: Some would argue that Thom doesn’t care about things like his looks, but then there’s this

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which makes him look like Clay Aiken.
Kevin: Of course, it could be reasonably argued that if you set out to look like Clay Aiken then you still clearly don’t care about your looks.
Cory: Clay Aiken is just Thom Yorke’s solo project. It allows him to work on the music that he really wants to make.
Kevin: This is Thom Yorke looking at himself while listening to Amnesiac, which was the result of musical instruments unplugging themselves and hurling themselves in front of trains for fear he was going to touch them.

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4 thoughts on “Tonight, on a very special So … there I was

  1. Not only is he wearing khakis, he’s wearing pleated front khakis. Ick. I hadn’t thought about Mick Mars in years. He was totally one ugly man. That Supergrass band, two of them actually look like they may have been Mars’ illegitimate kids. And while Iggy Pop is, most of the time, a not so attractive man. He has been known, at times, to be weirdly hot. I am totally rambling and completely late for work. Have a good one ~

  2. the 2 live crew actually look significantly better than the rest of those people. Also, number 2 is ugly as hell. Good collaborative effort.

  3. I was thoroughly enjoying this post until I saw that 2 Live Crew had made the list. I mean, guys, we may not be able to remain friends anymore. The fact that they were only the best rap group to ever grace the mic should be enough to keep them off such a list.

    I’m gonna put on my old Ray Lewis jersey, pop in “As Nasty as They Wanna Be” and call KC. Wait ’til he hears about this.

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