I have no friends.
Before you a) go feeling sorry for me; or b) start saying that statement is decidedly untrue, allow me to explain. I think I make a very strong case.
Two of the closest friends I have in the world are Cory and Jessica. They’re smart, funny, interesting, tolerate my Kevinness, etc, and I make it a point to tell them this on a regular basis.
Too bad the consideration isn’t mutual.
During a recent phone conversation, Cory stopped mid-sentence, stunned, before saying, “Oh my god. I have found your twin. Well, maybe not your exact twin, but dude, this looks so much like you it’s creepy. Except for the hair. This guy has a giant white-man’s afro, but other than that, it looks like you. This is bizarre.”
Cory is, clearly, an asshole.
Knowing Jess would also want to make fun of me, I sent her the picture and this message: “Well, he says he doesn’t really look like me, but there’s a resemblance. On a related note, I hate Cory.”
Her reply? “Well I AM flat out saying that he looks like u!!!!!hahahaha…of course ur a little better looking but the features r similar!”
Look, I know I’m not George Clooney, but I’d also like to believe I’m not a troll, or even on a lower level like that ‘fro dude. Maybe my glowing personality truly elevates me, even beyond pics of me in profile (seriously, I hate my profile; I’ve always said I have a face for bills, not coins).
As it is, I guess I’m in the market for some new friends, preferably some really ugly ones to better elevate my questionable looks. Please apply below. (In the meantime, enjoy this clip of “My Friends” from Sweeney Todd).