My name is not Toby … it is Kevin Hall

Let’s say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Or let’s say birds of a feather flock together.

Now, let’s say that the aforementioned apple is smushy and rotten and it fell off the stupid tree.

Or let’s say the birds doing the flocking are brainless and heading straight for the previous trees.

Or, to explain it to Toby Keith fans, let’s say this: Toby Keith fans are dumbasses.

Last week, a woman sent me a MySpace message suggesting I look like Toby Keith. I can assure that I do not look like the Oklahoma championing of horses, beer and rednecks. I’m not suggesting Toby Keith, or the Big Dawg or Big Dog or TK or any other cutesy nicknames his Warriors have for him, is not a handsome fella. I’ll leave that for others to debate.

The picture that started this whole damn mess

I will, however, say I look nothing like him, good or bad.

I repeat, I look nothing like him.

Never said I did, either.

Yet somehow I found myself the subject of some serious vitriolic statements courtesy of the Warriors (or WARRIORS depending on if they forgot to turn the caps lock off) on an international Toby Keith fan site. Frankly, I’m not sure how international it is, with the comments coming from Texas, Ohio, Georgia, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, Arkansas and other very American locales.

Frankly, though, I’m flattered by the attention.

I am, however, troubled at the group’s failure to comprehend the blog I’d written.

Now, I’m not suggesting these middle-aged mamas are illiterate (although I do question their abhorrent grammar skills, or complete lack thereof). I’m simply saying they didn’t comprehend what they were reading, which really is the most important part of reading. I can read Spanish all day, but I can’t comprehend a word of it other than biblioteca.

To begin, I never said I look like Toby Keith, as I have repeatedly pointed out. I really can’t stress this enough, yet people are terribly confused by the whole thing. Take “patti smith,” for instance, who posted this comment on my blog: “Did you post that picture, wondering if someone would compare you to Toby? You must have thought you did. Wrong, not even on a good day.”

This must not be “Toby on a good day”

Well, “patti,” as I’ve repeatedly said, I did not ask for this. Someone else made the claim. I disputed it. I’m guessing none of you Warriors read the blog in question and just opted, instead, to follow the rest of the lemmings with your oh-so-witty remarks. (To be fair, though, “patti” later toned down her furor, perhaps after realizing these comments had gotten a bit too mean-spirited against me, but most likely because she and her buddies started getting attacked.

“Karen” offered this gem: “Besides, this guy is fat in the face or he is getting ready to vomit – probably can’t hold his liquor.”

I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m not fat in the face, as evidenced by this picture.

Or this one.

Also, as a guy who has never taken as much as a sip of alcohol, yeah, I’ll give you that I probably couldn’t hold my liquor should I ever choose to start drinking. Until then, well, I guess you’re just speculating.

“tobyfan” posted this: “Ok first of all YOU ARE NOT even close to looking like the man TOBY he is by far better looking and you can’t compare to his looks the muscles the body the hair oh please tell that girl she made a huge mistake saying that about you.”

First of all, the picture you saw doesn’t shows neither my muscles nor body nor hair, so I’m not sure as to where you’re getting your comparative information.

Second, it’s called a period. I’m sure most of you post-menopausal Gretchen Wilson wannabes have forgotten your childhood learnin’, but you might want to invest in a piece of punctuation every now and then.

“Brenda” tried to be nice by offering condolences to my deceased dog, but I need to say that his name was Duke, not Lollapalooza as she thought. I assumed it was fairly clear when I wrote “His name was Duke,” but I guess I should never assume.

Whatever. Brenda wrote this: “Let me start off by saying it is almost hillarious you find it so offensive that someone compared your looks to Toby Keith Covel. I think you should have taken that as a very big compliment , you should actually feel honored to say the least.As to whomever compared your looks to his they really do need glasses and if they already have them they should go a step further and have corrective eye surgery becuse Toby Keith you couldn’t compare to on you very best day.”

Yes, it is almost “hillarious.” Hilarious, too.

This is from “reelgael”: “Sweetie, I’ve seen Toby Keith and you are NO Toby Keith. .. You might pass for him if you were 50 yards away.. .. at night (a VERY dark night at that) .. .. and we were blind (likeyour dog). How Do You Like Me NOW!”

Well, sweetie, I’ll say that I laughed at your “how do you like me now” reference, so you have that going for you. I will, though, remind you that, once again, I never said I looked like Toby Keith, nor did I say I wanted to look like him. I should also note that my dog is no longer blind. He’s dead. Thanks.

“TKSGIRL” (who I sincerely doubt really is TK’s girl) wrote this: “It is obvious to me that although you say you are insulted you were shooting for Toby’s look. Sorry to disappoint you sweetheart buy you couldn’t hold a candle to the Big Dog. So put your little puppy dog tail between your legs and go sulk somewhere someone cares.”

Why are people picking on my parent’s poor dead dog? That’s just mean. Also, I want to be clear, I was in no way going for Toby Keith’s look, although with that hat and my neck being red from the sunburn, I can certainly see why people think that. I was going for a “keep the sun off my face/neck” look, and I can assure you that the thought of “Will this make me look like Toby Keith” was the farthest thing from my mind. I should probably consider that in the future, though, particularly if I’m ever cutting the sleeves off my dress shirts.

I got particular amusement from “suzy,” who criticized people for not having real lives, thus resorting to blogging and being on the Internet all day. You know, as opposed to these Warriors who pay money to be able to post comments on a Toby Keith fan site. Yeah, big difference, suze …

The list goes on and on, each getting almost funnier than the one before. I should also note that none of these women have bothered to leave any information linking to their blogs, or for that matter, posted a picture of themselves. That’s probably because a) they haven’t mastered this high-falutin’ blog technology; and b) they probably look more like Toby Keith than I do. I should also add a “c)” option, now that a few of them have revealed a bit of racist tendencies, or, at the very least, a fear of things different from their own environment. These Xenophobe Warrior Princesses probably want to keep some of their secrets private.

What’s even better, though, is how damn proud they are of themselves, leaving catty little messages on their own fan forum. Here are some jewels:

“He@@ NO, and a terrible hat to boot…….loser!” (Note: I have NO ide@ what “He@@ NO” means, and I should note that the hat, which was purchased solely to keep sun off my already sunburned face and neck, looks pretty damn similar to the one Toby Keith wears).

My hat

Toby’s hat

“I guess it depends who is doing the viewing.. after a few drinks my husband starts to look like Toby (with my eyes closed) LOL.” (Note: Yes, but after a few drinks you still feel like Wynonna Judd.”

“Well Thanxs alot you two , now you done went and got me started to. I wasn’t gonna’ do it but you twisted my arm. I tried to be a little bit easy on him I really did !!! NOT !!!!”

The list gets exceptionally repetitive, mostly consisting of the ladies copying and pasting previous comments and then offering their half-assed commentary, all complete with emoticons, you know, to show they’re really being funny and clever.

Frankly, I appreciate the attention, not to mention the extra readers being driven to my blog. I just wish a few more of them actually understood what they were reading, but I’ll take what I can get.

For now, though, I hope the whole thing just goes away. But if they want to continue, they have the right to say what they want.

That is, after all, the American way.

And I guess I’ll have to fight back.

I am, after all, not ready to make nice.


7 thoughts on “My name is not Toby … it is Kevin Hall

  1. Please link the site where you are being attacked. I would so love to join that parade of Cougar Keyboard Commandos, if only for the complete and utter joy of laughing out loud as the grammar and punctuation gaffs compete with the asinine and moronic rebuttals of opinion of your hat/chest/ hair/fat face.

    As your personal downtown profile photographer, I can attest that not only is your face quite svelte, you do have muscles in all the right places AND your choice of head gear is usually a baseball hat or skull cap.

    This contested hat should never again be worn in public….unless you bring your guitar…and cut the sleeves off your dress shirt.

  2. First of all I too am a Warrior and I am not going to apologize for any of those people writing nasty things about you, hopefully they will realize that they have hit an innocent person. When I read your blog I understood from the very beginning that SOMEONE ELSE mentioned that you looked like Toby. Here is my post on his forum. I think you are a very cute young man and yes I am a middle-aged mama. LOL. BTW… HE$$ in my post below is HELL. I hope you have a great day and get more than your 15 minutes. Good luck to you.

    “Actually there are some down right rude comments. He does have a point. Someone googled Toby’s name and found this poor kids blog. There is no way in HE$$ that that guy knew what he was in for.

    I don’t think he looks like Toby AT ALL, but in his defense, he was bombarded with rude comments. I think if I received all those comments I would become combative too.

    Sorry, but this is the way I feel. “

  3. *crack of the whip*

    Your name is…TOBY

    Let me hear you say it…



    Kevin….Kevin Hall.

    *crack of the whip*

    It is a nice name.

    It is Toby.

    And it is going to be yours til the day you die.

    Now I know you understand me, and I WANT TO HEAR IT!


    *crack of the whip*

    Your name is Toby.

    What’s your name?

    *long deep breath*


    *crack of the whip*


    I could go on but I feel like anymore and I am actually going to be racist here.

  4. Pingback: Lollapalooza 2010: Sorry bands, but it’s about the food « So … there I was

  5. I’m surprised they weren’t back for a response. I’ll have to drive people to your blog out of boyband reasons and we’ll see if I can find a Hanson or an N’sync member that matches your particular look. 😉

  6. Pingback: Lollapalooza: The Dork Knight Rises | So … there I was

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