12 thoughts on “A man without a team

  1. The key points here are found at the very end. While the analysis is spot-on, you did forget the one MAJOR shan’t to be attributed to the Pheagles… the total lack of desire to win a football game. Let’s face it, Brian Westbrook wasn’t a crafty draft pick, it was a powerball ticket that paid off. Without Westy we would have been speculating whether or not they’d take Long or McFadden this year.

    Anyway, Philly rant over (bastards… with their bastard-ass coach and paper mache quarterback. Yeah Andy, that makes sense, screen passes are beating New England up and down the field, so let’s just start airing it out… mustached sonofabitch)….

    I’m in total agreement with the Jets. You’ve got the centralized sports world in the best city on the planet, you’ve got a team that has legit potential to explode this year and you’ve got a scrappy young quarterback named Favre. Sure, they’ll screw it up, but it’s fun to cheer for an incompetent team with potential every year (Kevin Kolb!? REALLY… Kevin Kolb?)

    However, the simple fact is stated in the 2nd to last paragraph. Shane will forever be associated with Oakland. When I think “Raiders” I think of three things: Al Davis, Shane Carpenter and street crime. Those things will never change.

    In a way, I’d like to see him get behind the Dolphins, making Oakland and Miami his top two NFL franchises. It would represent some sort of pro-football bi-coastal bi-polar disorder that could represent both the gangsta and non-gangsta side of Shane’s personality. It’s like waking up to a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats every morning.

    “The mellow grown up in me likes the soothing pastels of the Dolphins! But the kid in me likes the idea of joining The Crips!”

  2. One Shane, one shan’t.

    First of all the trouble with the Carolina Panthers is I have no idea where to find their home stadium. Now I’m no a football fan, and if you started rolling off nicknames for various teams I’d be hard pressed to score 100% for even what region they’re in, but usually when you put their first name in the mix, I can at least narrow it down to a state. Not so with the Carolina Panthers. Are they in North Carolina or South Carolina? I’ve been to both and it makes a big difference whether I’d ever root for the team, but I really just don’t know where to find them.

    One big Shane, well at least a big selling point for me, probably wouldn’t mean anything to Shane, is that Martin Crane was a Seahawks fan and that makes me at least give them the benefit of the doubt. Also I’d want to check into what a seahawk really is. As long as it isn’t the on-ship version of a bull queer, all is well.

    As to the chiefs, the only potentates in Kansas City I’ll be rooting for will be those old guys taking all the cash from Las Vegas as seen in Casino. Ramona walked into my daughter’s birthday party the other day and asked, “Where’s Chief?” thus utterly confusing everyone present. I have to give Aaron credit. That seems to have stuck, at least with Ramona, and I know he just started calling me that out of boredom one day.

  3. Kevin, that was a great entry, but where in the heck did you get that horrible picture of me? Do I really look like that? Seriously, that picture of me was more hideous and disturbing than the one of the naked dudes.

    As for picking a team, I don’t know if it’s gonna happen. I’m not rooting for the Jets, I can tell you that much. However, you did mention one team I hadn’t considered before: the Titans. Hmmm, the Titans. Very interesting.

    If you remove that picture of me I’ll pick a team in the next five minutes. How’s that?

  4. Shane,

    This is Aaron. I hope you are doing well. If you would allow me, I would like to share a moment with you. I have known you or known of you since my early days at the old dame Stanton Elementary, and while I do not know you as well as Kevin, I am proud to say that, just the same, I consider you a friend, even if you do lust for Ann Coulter.

    I just want to say Shane, it is apparent to all of us who know you that you have a good heart. You are a decent, thoughtful human being and I can’t imagine that anyone would ever question that. Although you and I may differ in some opinions — namely, your insatiable lust for Ann Coulter — I think we have always found common ground elsewhere. I know full well the heartbreak you have endured during your longstanding romance with the Oakland Raiders; I empathize with you, truly. As is widely known, I have suffered with the Cincinnati Bengals for some 25 years now. And believe me, I do mean “suffered.”

    I know the desire to end one’s own suffering is strong and often overwhelming. I commend you for taking such brave steps to end your pain at the hands of the faded Silver and Black. Frankly, the Raiders suck. They have sucked for a long time. And dare I say, they always will suck, so long as that man with the wispy orange hair and strange, shiny tracksuits is slinking in the shadows of Oakland. If I were in your place, I would have abandoned the turgid swamp of Raider Nation long ago. Wait, no I wouldn’t, I would hang in there year in and year out saying”My team is going to be good this year,” to everyone even when I know they aren’t going to be good, they’re going to be the same awful team they are every year — which is what I do now with the Bengals.

    I do not know what team would be best honored by your allegiance. Jets, Bengals, Bills, Jaguars, Patriots, Giants, Dolphins, Cowboys — they all have their sunny side, they all have their dark side. Well, the Cowboys only have a dark side. But besides the Cowboys, and one othe notable exception that I will name shortly, I could no more tell you one team is more deserving of your support than I could tell you that in reality, Ann Coulter is a gravelly-voiced man, possessed of a penis and dark, thick, somewhat greasy pubic hair.

    As you embark upon this journey, I wish you the best. I know you will choose well and I know your decision will bring you happiness for years to come. I have that much faith in you. But Shane, as you weigh the pros and cons of all those with whom you might place your deepest trust, I ask that you cast a scornful, cynical eye towards just one of them. Please, give careful consideration to what I am about to say.

    DO NOT ROOT FOR THE TENNESSEE TITANS.

    You don’t know what it’s like, Shane. Come down here with me, and you will see. Imagine being a fan of the Florida Gators, only now your team is in the NFL and wears gay sky-blue colored pants. Who wants to live that life? I ask — do YOU want to live that life? Just think about that. Please. I beg you. Do you want to be in that crowd at BW3’s, trying to keep a seat for all your bandwagon Titan buddies in the years when the Titans are winning, only to realize that all the seats have been taken by the bandwagon Steeler fans that have crawled out of the woodwork because the Steelers are good that year, too? PLEASE CONSIDER THIS.

  5. Ha ha Aaron, that was funny.

    I won’t be picking the Titans though. I don’t know what I was thinking five hours ago, but the Titans are no longer being considered.

    Dang, choosing a new team is hard. Anyone have any serious objections to the Falcons?

  6. Under no circumstances, ever, will Tommy look ridiculous. . .ever! I cannot even believe you would write that it may somehow be a possibiliy, Kevin… seriously, NEVER EVER. I’m disappointed. . .

  7. Quit hating on Cleveland. Good, solid (and lovely-looking) people come from there… despite the weird photos you managed to come up with.

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