On Friday, Dec. 26, 2008, Aaron, Brinton, Cory, The Drake, Kyle, Jared, Shane and I gathered once again in Clay City to celebrate the joys and wonders of fantasy football. Our league, The Skullz, prepared to hand over the championship from last year’s winner, the Georgetown Jedis, to newcomer the LexVegas Mooses. The following is the monologue written specifically for the event (parents be warned: it contain several bouts of adult language) along with pictures of the extravaganza.
When paper is not available, jokes must be written on paper plates.
Last year’s host, Jeff Stiles, could not attend, so we had the emcee services provided by the honorable Daxon Caudill.
Without further adieu, ladies and gentleman, The Skulliez:
It is my pleasure to be here this evening for the second annual fantasy football awards extravaganza, The Skulliez. Remember tonight that while some people won more than others, there are no losers. Actually, that’s not true – you’re all losers, finding some sort of satisfaction not reliving your glory days, but finding satisfaction through gridiron action from pro athletes … and the Internet. And guys, let’s not forget the true reason behind the Internet: gay porn.
Speaking of, Brinton has been building a house this year. While that might be good for his home life, it was even better for his fantasy football team. Those four weeks he took off were the best weeks his team had.
Look, we’re not saying Brinton’s team is bad, but the New Bowen Tyrants are looking at bringing Matt Millen in as GM next season. Undoubtedly, Brinton’s fans would don the old New Orleans ‘Aints paper bags on their head… if he had any fans. Hell, Brinton’s players don’t even have any fans.
And now, I present to you the first award of the night, the award for Best Waiver Wire Pickup. Ironically, the oldest man to ever throw a football was owned by the oldest man to ever own a fantasy player. Your 2008 Waiver Champ is Kurt Warner of the Georgetown Jedis
The real prize of the night was seeing The Drake on leave from the Navy.
Injuries were a problem for everyone this season, but none more than Aaron’s Damn Team. In fact, he’s already selected two keepers for next year: Dennis Byrd and Joe Theissman. Dallas Clark, Anquan Boldin, Tom Brady, Felix Jones, Darren McFadden, Trent Edwards… it’s really a tossup between The Cleveland Browns staph outbreak or being owned by Aaron’s Damn Team as far as player hazards in the 2008 NFL season.
So, to you Aaron, I bestow the “If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all award” for the team that posed the largest physical threat to the well being of otherwise decent people that had the misfortune of being placed on your team.
Aaron accepts his award and manages to not injure anyone in the room.
And now the award for most transactions in a season, presented to the owner that spent more time than any other league member actively fucking with the minds of their players, I’m proud to present the award for most transactions and the award for most transactions with an individual player to Cory Graham of the Agraphobic Ailurophobes. Let us not forget the irreparable damage his management style has likely done to the self-esteem of David Akers
Cory is pleased with his trophy, part of a collection of old bowling awards he found on eBay.
Aside from injuries, fines ran rampant this season. Wes Welker was fined $10,000 for making a snow angel last week. Shane and Mike Huckabee are filing a formal protest and organizing a march from the campus of Liberty University to Foxboro, MA.
And now I’d like to present the Premature Ejaculation award for most points scored in a game that didn’t involve winning a title to Kevin Hall of the Georgetown Jedis.
Jesus walks. Kevin talks.
Of course, The Might Coulters might have performed more admirably this season if they had a real man on their team, you know, like their namesake. And here’s hoping Shane embraces Obama’s theme of change. He should start with his management and draft style.
Of course, Jared was no better. Da Beards season, once looking promising, was dashed to bits in the playoffs. After a second consecutive crushing playoff loss, I’d like to present to Jared the Jimmy V “Never Give Up Award,” in hopes that next season might see him miss the playoffs altogether, thus avoiding further heartbreak.
Jared and Daxon are just two guys having a good time.
Speaking of Shane, it’s time to present tonight’s next award. As if the upcoming presidential administration, undoubtedly filled with socialist/communist ideology and abortions for all wasn’t enough, Shane’s fantasy season really didn’t end well… but in fairness it never really does. So it’s my great honor to present to Shane the first Nickelback “Please Give Up Award” to a team that by all accounts should really pack it in after this season.
Shane’s award is broken, much like his fantasy football spirit.
Cory spent the better part of the year wheeling and dealing, which just goes to show if you work hard and make enough moves, you too can finish in third place.
Cory lost three regular season games, including two to the sad-sack Mighty Coulters. I’m sure the Agoraphobes have a lump in their throat over that one, much like Ann Coulter. As a result of losing those games, Cory is changing his team to the Mighty Maddows.
And now to present tonight’s next award, the “Who the fuck invited the new guy ” award, jointly awarded to Cory and Kyle for completely fucking up the entire league by bringing that Volvo-driving douche-bag into our midst. Thanks so much, it really is appreciated.
Cory and Daxon pose with some guy who got lucky and won the league.
Jared didn’t need Jessica Simpson to fuck over his team this year. He took care of it all on his own. Of course, Jared actively traded for Plaxico Burress, who immediately shot himself upon hearing the news. Jared later tried to pick up O.J. Simpson and trade for Rae Carruth. Thankfully for Jared, and the rest of the league, we could certainly count on Brinton to bring up the rear and make us all feel a little better about ourselves.
In that vein, I’m happy to present to Brinton the “Cincinnati Bengals, Thank God for the Detroit Lions” Award. Just like the Lions have made the rest of the league look downright professional by comparison, Brinton offered that same comfort to the rest of The Skullz.
Brinton gets a win, one of the few fantasy football-related victories he can claim.
This just in … CNN can now project the Mighty Coulters to finish last in 2009.
Now, we’ve all missed our friend Greg. He headed out to defend our nation, leaving his fantasy team behind… which is a good thing, considering the fact that his team isn’t too interested in seeing his goddamned face these days. While the season had ups and downs for The Ghostbusters, the downs seemed to be the more alarming trend, which is why we bestow upon Greg Drake the “Detroit Lions Award for lack of Excellence.”
The Drake said farewell to the Ghostbusters, re-introducing his team as Team America.
Speaking of The Drake, his dedication to his team, we hope, is coming second to his dedication to defending the United States. After all, if Greg fights the terrorists with the same zeal that he uses on Sundays, we’ll all be speaking Sharia law by the end of the week. Come on Greg, admit it, we all know that you actually joined the military to explain away the disaster on the field.
Of course, these days Greg’s idea of “fantasy” is waking up next to someone other than a sailor… a feeling that Leslie knows all too well. Tonight, with great honor, I bestow upon Aaron Saylor the Brady Bunch Tiki God Award for most harm done in 13 weeks.
Aaron has heard enough.
The Georgetown Jedis, with ADP, Steven Jackson, Reggie Bush and Larry Johnson, have a formidable running game. Next year, maybe Papaw Hall will finally embrace the forward pass. Look, no one is suggesting Kevin is old, but Joe Paterno is recommending he hang it up. Now, let’s hurry up with the awards before Kevin has to go to bed.
For the Who Gives a Shit About the Losers’ Brackett Playoff Award, The Drake, who must feel like a man who just won the NIT.
Like the rest of us, Shane enjoys laughing at other people, particularly if they suck at fantasy football.
Not wanting to waste time, let’s move right to the Comeback Player of the Year: Anquan Boldin. While technically not the “comeback” this award is usually reserved for, we don’t want to be the ones to question the toughness of this motherfucker. And while this doesn’t necessarily fit the “comeback” model, any player on Aaron’s team coming back from an injury is second only to Jesus rising from the tomb.”
For the special Vinny Testaverde Please Go Away Player of the Year, let’s go with Chad Johnson. Or Ocho Cinco. Or whatever he’s calling himself. We simply call him overrated.
We have a new category this year, the Rookie of the Year, which is not to our league’s newcomer, that cocksucking motherfucker Kyle, but to an actual NFL player. The award goes to Steve Slaton.
Cory accepts the award on behalf of Steve Slaton, who was invited but found himself unable to attend, mainly because he’s a real player and this is fantasy football.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for (the end of the ceremony), which means we have but one presentation left to make. The candidates for Most Valuable Player are Adrian Peterson, DeAngelo Williams, Carson Palmer, Plaxico Burress and Steve Slaton. The award goes to, and this is a big surprise, DeAngelo Williams, who was last seen making sultry R&B videos in the nude.
DAXON CLOSES OUT.
These losers are a bunch of winners.