So long as I don’t look like Justin Guarini …

I have been single for a long time.

There are, apparently, good reasons for this.

Allow me to share this example from last night, in which I was talking to my new girlfriend, Liz:

I explained to her that I think she looks like Kelly Clarkson, which to me is a good thing, as I think the former American Idol champion is really attractive.

Liz, however, does not. I base this on her horrified reaction when I casually mentioned the comparison.

“She has a big nose and a fat ass,” Liz told me. “What part of me looks like her?”

I attempted to diffuse the situation with a joke, which means this will end poorly.

“Well, Liz, clearly your big nose and fat ass,” I replied. (Note: Liz has neither a big nose nor a fat ass).

I’ll just fast-forward a bit, getting us past that reaction, leading me to fire up another bon mot.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’d totally have sex with Kelly Clarkson,” I said.

Liz simply buried her hands in her head.

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