Prostate of the Union Address

I’m going to eventually learn my lesson and realize I need to take my iPod and earphones with me into the bathroom at work. Until then, I’ll continue to overhear things I wish I’d never heard, which was the case this morning while in a bathroom stall at the office.

OK, let’s get this out of the way now. Yes, I had to poop. Do your giggling now so we can get back to my main point.


OK. Here we go.

So I’m in the stall, and a guy walks in, panting like he’d just finished a morning jog. I doubt this to be the case since I could see he was in loafers and trousers, neither of which are very conducive to the jogging process. I hear him unbuckle his belt, unzip his pants, then struggle to urinate. Of course, the most important question is “Who undoes their belt to pee?” Does he drop them to his ankles? Or perhaps his pants are just too tight, and by loosening the belt, he frees his bladder up to do its business?

Either way, it proved to be ineffective because, despite all that effort, he only managed to get out a few drops. This is a common occurrence for him (I’ve written about work-related bathroom issues before ), and I honestly hope he’s getting things checked out by the proper authorities.

After he finished, as if on cue, the next clown made his way into the bathroom and up to the urinal (to be clear, this all took place rather fast, and besides, I wanted to see how it all played out. I wouldn’t leave a play before the end of the third act). Now, you must keep in mind that this guy is fully aware someone else is in the bathroom. He knows he is not alone. That is worth noting when you consider what happened next.

The man began talking.

To his penis.

With another man in the bathroom at the same time.

And this was the conversation:

“Oh, man, come on. Ya gotta go. I know you do.”


Trickle of pee begins.

“Yep. (pause). Ahhhhh.”

The stream stops.

“Ya gotta go. Ya gotta go.”


“Nope? OK.”

Then he zipped up, washed his hands, all while singing something almost inaudibly (how do you get shy about your singing after you’ve just had a pep talk with your prostate?) before leaving.

His penis, thankfully, could not be reached for comment.

2 thoughts on “Prostate of the Union Address

  1. I think this issue needs to be investigated. Who are we to assume that the pep talk didn’t work. It did produce an outcome and when pressed for further output the penis declined. Pretty sound evidence. Imagine the impact this could make on the medical community when they discover that pep talks to genitalia improves prostate health. I hope you start giving your penis a pep talk to maintain your prostate health.

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