Since the NFL is set to kickoff roughly an hour after President Obama starts his long-awaited “jobs” speech to America, I thought it would be appropriate to combine two of my favorite things into one mashed-up blog. So, I give you this:
QB: John F. Kennedy — I realize he poses a fairly significant injury risk, but when it comes to a leader who can rally a team, no one did it any better than JFK. I mean, what’s bigger than aiming for the moon? Sure, he screwed up the Bay of Pigs, but he recovered in sudden-death overtime and kicked major ass with the Cuban Missile Crisis. My backup QB, for what it’s worth, would be George Washington, who, as the first president, clearly has leadership skills, but his stats are probably boosted by the era in which he lived. He’s the Otto Graham of presidents.
RB: Franklin Delano Roosevelt — Let’s just ignore the fact he had polio and spent quite a bit of time in a wheelchair. FDR shakes off durability issues (he is, after all, the longest-serving president) and provides consistent numbers throughout his career. He reminds me a bit of Walter Payton, who led Chicago to a Super Bowl (for FDR, it was getting America into World War II) but didn’t get a chance to get into the end zone (FDR died before seeing the war officially won). Still, just as you can’t go wrong building a team around Payton, you can’t do better than putting FDR in the backfield. Plus, the name “Franklin Delano Roosevelt” just sounds like a solid running back.
RB: Ronald Reagan — In his prime, Reagan was a force of nature who was impossible stop. If you got in his way, he would roll right over you, perhaps cracking a joke in the process.
WR: Barack Obama — I’m just going to assume he’s our fastest president. Oh come on! It’s because of his youth.
WR: Abraham Lincoln — At an imposing 6 feet, 4 inches, Lincoln provides a fantastic red zone target. Plus, you know he’s going to be a solid force in the locker room; there will be no diva-type antics from this receiver. Much like JFK, health threats abound, particularly as the NFL cracks down on head injuries.
RB/WR: Bill Clinton — For the “flex” position, the team can either have a running back or a receiver, and I’m placing Clinton as another running back, particularly in the mode of Reggie Bush: he’s shifty, elusive and you know if given the chance, he’d bang Kim Kardashian.
TE: Teddy Roosevelt — While at 5 feet, 10 inches he doesn’t supply the biggest target you want at tight end, Roosevelt definitely possesses the physical toughness associated with the position. This is based primarily on his African safari hunting trips, in which he killed rhinos, elephants and other large creatures.
D/ST: George W. Bush — Say what you will about W, but after giving up one major outburst at home, he clamped down with a defense unlike any the world had ever seen. On a related note, if an NFL team in a dome ever has a historic-level defense, I’m going on record having coined the nickname “Domeland Security.”
K: Martin Van Buren — At 5 feet, 6 inches, Van Buren is tied with Benjamin Harrison as being our second-shortest president. Given that A) I know nothing about Benjamin Harrison and probably wouldn’t have known he was a former president had it not been for Google; and B) Martin Van Buren’s name sounding exactly like a professional kicker, the starting job belongs to MVB.
This is why you always draft kickers in the last round in your fantasy leagues.