I’m not going to lie, even though I probably should.
I like Fergie.
Oh, how I wish I was referring to the former Duchess of York instead of the pants-pissing member of the Black-Eyed Peas.
She claims it’s just sweat. Frankly, I believe her because I know how often my vagina sweats …
But that would be a fib, and as I said, I’m not going to lie.
Her latest song, “Clumsy,” is another of her sing-songy, nursery rhyme-type of ditties that she seems to have perfected, from “My Humps” to “London Bridge” to “Glamorous” to “Fergalicious.”
When I first heard each of these songs, I hated them. Flat out despised them. I actually remember driving aimlessly with two friends as one described the level of simple awfulness that was “My Humps.” And as she described the asinine lyrics – really, just randomly pick any part, such as “What you gonna do with all that ass, all that ass inside them jeans? I’m gonna make you scream, make you scream, make you scream.” – all three of us made fun of the song even while knowing deep down that it would be a hit.
And that we would love it.
I don’t mind the fact that her lyrics are absolutely filthy without even a hint at being clever. “London Bridge” oh so charmingly asks, “How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge wanna go down?” For those of you who never finished your sophomore year (thus, as Brinton noted, can’t grasp sophomoric humor), she’s talking about … oral sex.
I don’t mind the fact that her spelling is atrocious. In “ Fergalicious,” she spells “tasty” as “tastey,” but to be fair, it’s actually will.i.am doing the misspelling. I’m sure Fergie tried to correct his erroneous ways, but he probably said “I have several periods in my name” and let that be that. Also, I guess if we’re willing to accept the creation of a made-up word like “ Fergalicious,” then we should also look the other way at “ tastey.”
Another thing to consider is the ridiculousness of her claim. As a woman who has gotten so drunk/high on stage that she admits to publicly pissing in her pants, I’m guessing Fergie is neither “ Fergalicious” nor “ tastey.”
(As an aside, “Fergalicious” also gave us a classic exchange on PTI in which the hosts, Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, were discussing former baseball pitcher Fergie Jenkins. Kornheiser claimed Jenkins was making a comeback, sayhing we was “up in the gym just working on his fitness.”)
Miss Fergie might have topped herself with her latest piece of pop perfection, in which she claims to be “tripping, stumbling, flipping, fumbling.” See, she’s “clumsy ‘cause I’m falling in love.” She’s also “slipping, tumbling, sinking, fumbling.”
For those of you who think Fergie’s hot …
Of course, that might also be because she’s drunk and urinating all over herself (really, I cannot emphasize this fact enough, particularly to all the people who think she’s soooooo hot).
… please see this.
Be that as it may, I still cannot deny song’s charm, particularly when it samples a Little Richard song featuring “She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it.” Truly, it’s addictive.
So there. I like Fergie. Or, more accurately, I like her songs. They’re nothing more than 3 minutes of fun, simple (some would aruge simplistic; they would be correct) pop songs, just pure sugary goodness. They are, dare I say, tastey.