Even more on Fergie, London Bridge and other things that are woefully inappropriate

It seems that everyone loves some Fergie.

A blog from earlier this week professed my guilty-pleasure love for her music, but some readers used the comments section to educate me on the alleged meaning behind some of the songs, including some descriptions of the term “London Bridge.”

In those comments, Emily and Cari claim that London Bridge is slang for an overly complicated group sex position, and that this can be found out with a simple search on good ol’ Google. Unfortunately, Google images did not come through in this instance, leaving Emily and Cari’s descriptions of a London Bridge left only in my head. Fortunately, urbandictionary.com had several listings for the term.

This is the top entry for the term: London Bridge was downed by fire. When someone makes your “London Bridge fall down”, they are making you very hot. (sexual) In the song by Fergie of the same name the music starts with fire sirens. “How come everytime you come around my London Bridge wanna go down?” equates ‘How come everytime I see you I wanna get off?”

Given the complications Cory listed that the group sex definition of “London Bridge” brought around, this definition certainly makes much more sense.

But urbandictionary.com offers other thoughts, as well:

The true “London Bridge” occurs when two girls are being done doggy style, facing each other and making out while the two lucky men high five over them. “London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down…” So many people get the Eiffel Tower and the London Bridge mixed up that they get caught up in the specifics and forget to sauce the girls.

A meaningless, vaguely sexual term used by Fergie in her single of the same name, invented simply to stir up discussion about an otherwise forgettable and derivative song.

London Bridge refers to a woman’s panties. When guy makes a woman’s “London Bridge fall down”, he is making her panties drop to the floor so that they can have sex.

The taint. Think of it as the bridge between anustown and vaginaville. obviously, the fergie song is referencing a part of the human anatomy, and the taint is really the only body part that even vaguely resembles a bridge.

All of this prompted Cory to post comments on the original blog, leading to this exchange (and I’m posting the actual google chat transcript):

Cory: i left two comments on your fergie blog
me: reading the e-mails now.
first one: very funny
second one: funnier
Cory: i wish i’d had the foresight to make it into one comment, but thought of the 2nd half after i’d entered it
me: i truly wish i’d known of the London Bridge meaning beforehand to work that in myself
Cory: i will never, as long as i live, hear fergielicious without picturing tony kornheiser… that’s a wonderful and slightly uncomfortable thing
lord, please don’t ever let some girl put that on during sex
me: The bridge featured on the alternative cover of the single is not London Bridge, but Tower Bridge. This is presumably because the actual current London Bridge is of no particular architectural significance, and consequently many Americans confuse the two. This mistake is also made in the ending of the video for the song (British audiences have noted this after her video debuted in the UK[3]). The use of this bridge has been said to be intentional many times by Fergie herself as well as people who worked on the video. However, will.i.am was quoted as saying “It was a mistake, she told me herself. Fair enough man she don’t even come from the UK”
Cory: bahahahahha
well, too much of a fuss is made over london bridge anyway. from what i hear, it’s hardly structurally sound, anwyay.
me: hey, should i e-mail people about huck’s issues, an introduction or campaign videows?
Cory: i’d avoid spelling videos with a w
me: hardy har har
Cory: “hey, ya’ll, look at these hear videows!”
me: also, who the (censored) names these sexual positions?
Cory: yeah, that’s probably not the best name. i tend to avoid associating any hot, sexy act with the phrase “falling down”
me: what are the odds that two girls are making out with two guys banging them from behind while a third guy who, mind you, is familiar with london architecture, is watching them?
Cory: well, if the guy watching them was, in fact, familiar with london architecture he’d probably have the wherewithal to point out that they looked like tower bridge
me: and there we have it:
our best ones ever
Cory: we should actually put together an entire discussion of the london bridge sex position and post it as a post-script to your fergie post
me: we should
from here on out, anytime you have sex with a trashy country girl who has just pooped, it is called the Nada Tunnel.
Cory: man, i really, really hope will.i.am never asks me to do vocals on that track
me: it will sample “sweet georgia brown.”
Cory: and the charlie brown theme
by the way, if you click that will.i.am link, it actually goes somewhere
me: oh lord, and i don’t EVEN want to know what position the “golden gate bridge” is
Cory: i guess, if nothing else, sexual positions are a good way to teach our children about global landmarks.
“i was nailing this huge girl the other day, they call it the wailing wall”
me: essentially, i’m just going to cut and past this into a follow-up blog
Cory: i think you should. with all of the phallic buildings dotting our countryside it should really be a free for all

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8 thoughts on “Even more on Fergie, London Bridge and other things that are woefully inappropriate

  1. Love the Nada Tunnel reference, btw.

    Superman is another misunderstood sexual act referenced in a hip-hop song. Apparently, if you’re trying to get a girl to do it and she won’t, you be all sweet and nice and say it’s okay. Then, once she’s asleep, you jack off across her shoulders and then lay a towel across her back. It dries to her skin and resembles a cape when she wakes up.

    Super-soak that ho.

  2. This blog post is screaming out for discussion of oddly-named sex acts. Wouldn’t everyone like to talk about:

    Donkey Punch!
    Cleveland Steamer!
    Strawberry Shortcake!
    Rear Admiral!
    Dirty Sanchez!
    Hot Carl!

    Speaking of Hot Carl, I heard about all of these from Daylan. He has a dirty mind.

  3. The Hot Carl, while having perhaps the most awesome name, is probably something that will stay forever in theory for me.

    Now, two girls – one cup….

  4. It is now my goal to break into the marketing business and be hired as a top executive in a fast food chain. Just imagine an ad for “The Hot Carl,” only at Carl’s Jr.

  5. We could always take Kevin’s lead and start naming sex positions after geographical references. Happy Top and The Bottoms may be too obvious…

  6. Jennifer – “my eyes are bleeding” is one of my absolute favorite sayings – and highly appropriate in light of this post.

  7. Man:

    The taint. Think of it as the bridge between anustown and vaginaville. obviously, the fergie song is referencing a part of the human anatomy, and the taint is really the only body part that even vaguely resembles a bridge.

    I laughed like I was in middle school again, with the likes of “taint” and “anustown”.

    Good ones.

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